Did you…..??? April 24, 2008

….pee on yourself???

 

Why no I haven’t, thanks for asking fellow gym rat. Nope, what you see is a large amount of sweat located in the convenient place of my inner thighs and crotch region making it appear as though I have lost control of my bowels. I say to you “nay nay”. I have mearly worked out hard enough and aquired enough thigh fat for this very lovely look, that I’m pretty sure Tyra made her Top Models copycat in her latest challenge. I’m telling you people, I’m ahead of the curve here. Trust.

 

—original post date 4/18/08

Round 2 April 24, 2008

So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but that doesn’t mean that I have stopped trying to lose this Damn weight! Mr. Paws is now completely on board because I forced him to be…. lol. Actually what is going on is that we had a very cool and unique opportunity to hire a personal trainer. Now, those of you reading this are probably thinking…. uh Mrs K, anybody can hire a personal trainer. And I say to you nay sayers, “yes, but can you hire a celebrity trainer that has worked with such big names like Beyonce, Tyrese, R. Kelly, and Usher?”.  He is out here working with a friend of mine and that’s how I met him.

 

Now a guy like this is hella expensive and damn hard, but honestly a really nice guy. But he not only monitors my diet on a daily basis, but he also gives us “homework” when we are not working out with him.

 

So here is a breakdown:

Diet: Fish for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don’t even really like fish. Well I do LOVE sushi…..

Homework: Running for a solid hour with a thermal suit on that looks Exactly like I’m wearing a black garbage bag. Super hot looking. Seriously I’m freaking so hot in that thing that I look like I’ve got a sunburn on my face by the end of the run. Oh yeah did I tell you that I HATE to run???? yah…..

 

Oh and the best part of this. I screwed up my metabolism so much getting ready for the wedding that I’m not losing weight nearly as fast as I should be. Fucking great……

 

I’ll keep you guys posted. Are any of you guys trying to lose weight? If so, what are you guys doing about it? Leave your comments and let me know, or give me some much needed encouragement…. please!! 

 

—original post date 4/7/08—

Updates…….shumudates April 24, 2008

Hello to all my loyal readers! Be forewarned, this will be a long post!

 

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. The last time I tried I lost the page (thanks Leia my cat!). So there have been numerous updates.

 

I went back to bootcamp last week. I only made it monday, tuesday and wednesday. By thursday, I woke up with my neck sorta tweaked and I didn’t want to risk it. I convinced Mr. Paws to come with me to the Saturday class. HA! It wasn’t a peaceful hiking class that’s for sure. We went to the moorpark college and ran up and down the bleachers for goodness sake. At one point I yelled out to Mr. Paws “go ahead at your own pace, Save yourself!”. He looked pretty good out there actually. I was the one who looked like the special needs younger sister that you just had to bring, otherwise your momma would swat you with the “special” stick.

 

I knew it wasn’t going to go well when we woke up and Mr. Paws first words are “why am I doing this again?”. “Because you love me???” I say in my most innocent voice. When we arrive and start heading over to the stadium, he continues to repeat “I’m walking to my Death”. Good thing neither one of us is a drama queen!

 

When they made us run the track, after the bleachers, I was just happy that I was able to run the entire way. Granted it was just once, but I’ll take anything at this point. Jeff on the other hand was pretty beaten up and actually spit up (I would say puked but there was nothing there…..tmi I know). Poor baby. I felt sorry for him….. at first. Until he kept telling me that I was responsible for his Death. We both laughed a lot about it actually. I had to leave after breakfast and he immediately climbed into bed and took a nap. Way to be strong buckaroo!

 

Today is a whole ‘nother Dr. Phil. Today is the day that I had to get my physical done. I opted to also have a pap smear done as well. Ok now if there are ANY guys reading this……. please leave…………………………………….. I mean it!……………………………………… Go! ………………………….. Don’t mAke me slAp you upside your head!!! ………………… Ok are they gone??

 

Whew. Ok so back to the fun and games of pap smears. Geez la weez, its not even fun to say. First off there’s my favorite…. the urine sample. Is anybody able to get this accomplished without getting messy? Cause apparently I’m not. Again TMI, but its important to note because this was the reason I was late getting dressed, because I was diligently washing/scrubbing my hands, and why the Dr. walks in and I’m not ready. A stunned and annoyed doctor is not what I was hoping for. So I get the figure flattering gown on backwards to expose as much of myself as possible to a complete stranger, and she comes and makes me spread open eagle. Oh boy can we do this often because I’m having such a good time!!! Just like when my cats poop/puke on the carpet and I get to clean it All up. Can’t think of anything better really. So she proceeds with whatever a Dr. does to claim all of my dignity, and I get scolded at for jumping. Oh I’m sorry. Your right, I shOUld be used to having two ladies strap me down and stick duck bills with car grease into my hoo ha. In college I called this my friday nights. NOT.

 

So after I feel the need to get a rape kit done…. The doctor examines my breast for cancer/lumps. I innocently ask her what exactly should I be looking for. She told me any weird lumps, and in my case ANY lump would be cause for concern considering that I have barely any tissue there. Oh wow. A va jay jay tickle AND compliments??!! This is my lucky day folks. Oh wait…… there’s more sweet goodness to come.

 

So here I am sitting with my pride in my purse, still with the flattering “gown” (ok why call it a gown when we should just relabel it “Deny my Dignity Dress” DDD for short), and the lady Killer, acheemm I mean Dr., without flinching says I NEED to lose weight. *sigh* Tell me something I don’t know. I thought we were done. Oh contrair. I proceed to get a long lecture about how what I’m eating is awful, and I am going to go on a VERY strict diet and I should not eat ANY carbs. Heck I’m not allowed to eat bananas because they have too much sugar in them. Well why don’t you just shove an ice pick under my toe nails? Because that’s as much fun as I’ll be having with your diet thank you.

 

I do my damnist not to cry, but am not completely successful. But almost. Mr. Paws calls to ask how it went and I told him almost the whole story (hey no husband wants to know the dirty details, even if the Dr. IS a woman) and cry because everybody knows I’m fat. He hated the diet and thought it was a fad and stupid. He has been given HUSBAND OF THE YEAR award. Yes I need to eat better and workout more, but I have been doing better. I’m not eating cold nacho cheese straight out of the container anymore. (ok ok if I could, I tOtAlly would—that was for you Val!).

 

This is my final week of bootcamp. I’ll keep you all posted… trust.

 

—original post date 2/11/08—

Ultrasounds: more than just for babies April 24, 2008

Well I visited the new chiropractor again today. Things have been weird with this new guy. My regular guy is personal, like a good friend, and gentle in his adjustments. This new guy is a little more brisk, like a chilly morning, and your always inbetween other patients. We’ll call him “Pete”. Pete’s physical therapy skills lie in his cool gadgets, but they are a welcome. Before, and including today, he had me laying down with these vibrating pads with heat over that on my shoulders, back and neck, which has been interesting.

Today, because things have been sorta going downhill for my neck for unknown reasons, Pete decided to amp up in the treatment. So he asks me if I’m wearing a sports shirt on underneath my regular shirt. Now I’m not trying to insinuate that he is in any way unprofessional, however, I instantly had flashes of fumbling ex-boy toys trying to put the un-smooth moves on me. Yet I stumble over my words immediately after his question “uh yah, a sports bra” (yah cause that’s better…). I thought to myself “I think I’m a chiropractic slut!” Not something a girl says everyday to herself…. So he takes me to another room, which seems to be exactly the same as the one we just left across the hall, but he tells me to “sit on the (chiropractic)table and face the corner”, which I then responded “like a kid in trouble”, trying to make light of a weird situation. I mean, in a moment I will be taking off my shirt in front of this (almost) stranger! Oh the horror!!

 

Here I am in a very vulnerable position, when he tells me that he would use an ultrasound on my shoulder (which is where my pain is currently). Now he might have told me a bit sooner, but my brain shut off as soon as I heard that I would have to take off my shirt. Pete then moves my shoulder strap thing so he could squirt cold goop on me. Then he runs that weird instrument over it and tells me that the soundwaves are used to regenerate the cells for healing. He’s using a little bit of heat, which pregnant ladies wouldn’t have because you don’t want to cook the babies. Hmmmm….. interesting. All I could think of was “I hope he doesn’t notice my growing gut that LOOKS like I’m pregnant”, as I’m shoving my now removed shirt hopefully discreetly over my protruding stomach. I don’t thInk he was looking, but stIll! He left rIght after he cleaned me off like a sweet John with his first hooker. I gotta admit I felt a bit dirty somehow…. Maybe its because he left in such a hurry that he didn’t even look at me when he shut the door and told me to have a good week. Hopefully that’s because he was trying to respect my privacy. I’m sure that’s it, and I’m just being extra sensitive….. but still……

 

But hey, I learned something new! Ultrasounds are more than for looking at babies…

 

—original post date 1/30/08—

Dr. Chubby calling April 24, 2008

Ok, so it’s been about 10 days since I’ve been to bootcamp. Now, I’ve had some up and down’s with my neck healing. I will wake up and feel fine and low and behold *ACHOOOOOOOOOO!!! I have a Violent sneeze and set myself back 2-3 days. Oh boy, do I get mad at myself for those moments! Irrational I know, but you can’t help thinking “if I had only NOT sneezed I’d be fine.” and “why is my body sooooo fragile that a freak’n sneeze hurts me so badly???”. Ugh.

 

So I went back into the doctor’s yesterday to get checked up on. Now on a side note—I sit in the lobby and there are PLENTY of chairs to sit on, with only a handful of people in the room. I politely sit on the edge seat with 3 empty chairs between me and the next person. I am reading my book (because you ALWAYS wait, whether or not you have and appointment and are there on time!), and I look up to see a fragile old lady standing RIGHT next to me. I mean I could reach out and hug her for goodness sake! So where does she decide to sit?? Well of course right next to me! I mean there was only one choice…… oh wait, there were plenty of choices…… And by the way, I found it oddly comforting when I see that the elderly lady next to me has a Reader’s Digest that she brought to read. When a girl gets to be the age of 45, does Reader’s Digest just automatically give you a subscription?

 

Now back to the task at hand…..visiting the actual doctor. They call my name and immediately weigh me. My Favorite! That number can’t be the ReAl number can it??? So the doctor finally comes charging thru the door, without saying so much as a hello. This immediately makes me mad. I hate hate hate rudeness, especially when it’s so blatant like that. After what seems like a loooooooong time, but really only 30 seconds went by, before the cordial hello’s are passed between us. He asks the regular questions “hey, what are you in for (you don’t seem like you need to be here)?”. I tell him my dilemma and he informs me I seem to be fine and then the bombshell oozes out of his mouth “you should lose weight”. What?!?! Komo says what? Do you think I don’t know that already??? DUH!! That’s what got me into this scenario in the first place…. *sigh. The horrendous cycle continues. The only thing that doesn’t make me actually punch his fat gut, is his quick thinking snappy comeback “now I know that I can preach just like you when you were a trainer at Curves, but I’m not actually doing it. I mean I had a candy bar for lunch…..hahah”. Ok ok I can sympathize with someone who comes wIth me rather than At me. I explained that I have been involved in martial arts, dance and other activities as well as the bootcamp that I am currently in. However I run the cycle of go go go!…. injury ….. get better…… go go go! (repeat). We end the conversation in laughter, as he hurriedly shoves me out the door to get to his next patient.

 

Yet I still leave feeling fat and defeated. But at least I left with the doctor knowing I’m not a complEte lazy ass…….. just mostly.

 

—original post date 1/29/08—

I wanna cry April 24, 2008

So as some of you might know I threw out my neck a few short months ago and have serious back problems that I’ve endured for some time. This is part of the reason for my influx of weight gain recently. Ok ok, that and the late night pasta marathon meals might have also contributed.

 

So yesterday I woke up with a pinched nerve in my neck, and I thought “well its not so bad, but I should be a bit careful”, which I was. No big deal. Right! Today I woke up without much pain, and was greeted by the bloody freezing winds of Simi. Smart move wearing my new, easy breezy pants today…. Everything was going as well as it could have considering the fact that I still don’t have the proper shoes, even tho I specifically bought 2 new pairs hoping to correct the shin problem. No such luck on that front yet. Well I’m in the back of the line as usual. I’m getting used to being the very last one…… But I get back to the group and we are doing fun football type drills. Still not too bad so far…… then we do this 3 man team exercise where each person is laying down on their tummy’s facing the same direction and at the start of “GO”, the middle guy jumps over the person to their right and then the new middle guy jumps over the person to their left and so on for 2 min. Its fun and challenging…… until…….. I hear a slight pop in the middle of my back and when the drill is done I assess the situation and realize that I really can’t move that well. I get yelled at for moving slow and I say its because of my neck. My instructor immediately takes my place and they have a good time the next round. I spend the rest of the time on my back and unable to move. I’m freaking out, because I know this is NOT good. I’m almost in tears by this point, from frustration and humiliation. I seriously can’t be this retarded can I???? Luckily there happens to be a nurse working out next to me. Sweet. So she helps me up, because at this point I’m unable to do this by myself, and gives me a little bit of a back rub. Very Sweet.

 

Well after a long morning of hot tears running down my face, some from the pain but mostly from the frustration, I went to a new chiropractor today who gave me these weird electroshock patches that went from my back thru to my stomach and made me feel nauseous. Well yah that’s what I like to order up on my pain plate please. “Please sir may I have some more?” Lucky for me I have a nice husband who has been giving me neck massages which have been lovely. Well we will be making an appointment to get the ball rolling for the long awaited MRI that my original chiropractor has been hounding me to get. Gotta say its a bit scary….. what if the results show that there really is something terribly wrong??? Ugh. Wouldn’t that just be my luck. The nice thing is that my instructors/owners have called to check up on me. Awh. Hey at least I get to sleep in tomorrow.

 

Let the heath adventure continue…..

 

—original post date 1/17/08

Am I…. April 24, 2008

Am I….. dying???? That was the question I asked myself today as we ran 2 miles roundtrip, half up hill (literally). My shins hurt so bad that I was nearly in tears while I was walking far far far behind everybody. Jeff tells me that shin splints are your actual bones tearing. Well that’s f*&king great! So now not only am I in the WAY back, I have to do the hike of shame when everybody else is working with their resistance bands and looking at me as if to say “oh that girl…… geez, that’s lame”. Oh I felt like such a loser! But although I wanted to quit and wanted to cry, I did neither of these things. A black belt doesn’t do those things I told myself. I think I could actually hear the rocky theme song as I’m climbing. I have issues I know!

 

But on a happier note, Mr. Paws and I decided to take the free sat. class, where people are encouraged to bring their dogs as well. That was sooooooo cute! Well let’s be honest, they were cute until I realized that these dogs were in better shape than I am. Aaaaaaahhhh! I learned last week from the owner of bootcamp that it is physically more challenging for a short person to lose weight than a taller person. Why? I wish I knew, but really does it matter? No, the result is still the same. My hill is bigger than yours. Typical. Real funny God…..

 

Sorry, tried to end on a happy note…….. unsuccessful……..

 

—original post date 1/15/08—

Oh dear April 24, 2008

Ok so today was my first day at bootcamp. Considering that I was supposed to start the new “diet” yesterday, I’m just happy I didn’t puke today. At another bootcamp a girl got scolded for having a pop tart the first day…… oh dear then I can’t wait for the reprimand I’m sure to get! I’m happy they didn’t look at my food journal yet….. Ok so I had some butter, baked beans, pasta, alcohol, and (gasp) a slice of cake. Now I KNOW cake isn’t on the list, but I was at a birthday party for goodness sake!

 

Well the good news is that I’m still able to move……. so far. Yesterday I woke up and it hurt to cough. A sign of someone in excellent shape I’d say! I ran another mile today (dear lord), but at least I wasn’t the very last person. Heck I even passed someone! And when I got home I found out that a friend of mine’s mother got struck by a car and was killed. It makes you appreciate every breath, because you never know when you will take your last.

 

Well let’s see how tomorrow goes…..

 

—original post date 1/7/08—

New Beginnings April 24, 2008

Well here I am, a brand new blogger.  I have been inspired to start my own by stalking lurking reading several other fabulous blogs.  I have also began blogging recently on myspace and have been pleasantly surprised at those who actually visited my page!  

 

I have tried to start my own .com and am having a very difficult time because I am computer non-savvy.  Ugh.  But I’m learning!

 

Anyhoo….. if your still reading, please keep doing so, I’d love to hear from you.  I’ll start by reposting some pages from my myspace page to update you all on my journey….

Hello world! February 12, 2008

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